Why your music choice is so important
We had terrible trouble choosing the music for my mum’s funeral.
It’s not that my mum didn’t like music. Far from it. She loved music. All different kinds of music. From Abba to ZZ Top and everything in between. She loved pop and fifties rock, jazz, Motown and the Great American Songbook. The problem we had, and one that seems to be shared by so many, is identifying a single piece of music with her.
My dad requested an obscure and melancholy country music song that I had never heard them play but must have been something reserved for the precious time they had left together.
I remember my mum belting out Build me up Buttercup as she dished up our tea when we came home from school. I can still see her dancing at parties to Chain Reaction or Dancing Queen, flashing glimpses of a cleavage she was so proud of until breast cancer ruined it, just as she turned fifty.
Who wants to live forever?
Neither of those choices seemed particularly suitable for the occasion.
Getting the right music for a ceremony, whether it is a happy occasion or a funeral, is so important. Music evokes memories. It instantly take us back to a place that only we know. It has to be chosen with care and love. And with lots of thought.
Whether or not anybody really does choose funeral classics such as Who Wants to Live Forever, Knock on Wood or Light My Fire is up for discussion. I do know that my aunt’s coffin was accompanied by the tinny strains of the Chelsea FC football song, Blue is the Colour. That certainly turned some heads although luckily my aunt did actually support Chelsea. Perhaps not quite as much as my cousin did though…
It’s definitely worth listening to the whole of the song to make sure there aren’t any surprise lyrics lurking in the second or third verse. Or even words that can be mistaken for others. You also have to be aware that whatever music you choose will always remind you of the occasion and this may prove painful. My mother-in-law can never listen to Celine Dion singing My Heart Does Go On without bursting into tears at the thought of her cousin’s funeral. Personally I can’t hear it without thinking of Peter Kay mishearing the lyrics as My Hot Dog Goes On.
You also need to make sure that, once you’ve chosen some music, there is absolutely no doubt about the version or the performer you want. The love of my life wants Somewhere over the Rainbow to be played when she finally calls it a day but certainly not the Judy Garland version, or even the Eva Cassidy one. She wants the reggae version by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole. It’s almost a completely different song and I would never forgive myself or be forgiven if I got that wrong.
In my mum’s case we eventually settled on bringing her into the crematorium to a version of You’ll Never Walk Alone. It wasn’t the most original choice but it does have meaningful and beautiful words when not being chanted by a crowd of football fans. We reflected to the sweet but slightly bland You Light Up My Life because she always told us that we lit up her life and she certainly lit up ours. I’m not convinced she would have chosen either of those songs though and that still bothers me.
It might sound morbid but maybe it’s worth a conversation?